Grief: the darkest comfort

The grief chokes me like smoke within a house fire.

I gasp and clutch my chest thinking about all of the times I took breathing for granted.

Of all the emotions, grief is the one I’m most familiar with. It visits like an old friend, taking away something else I love while offering me it’s cold dark hand.

I dont want to be friends with grief but when all else is gone it’s there offering me tissues while I cry.

Grief tries to explain that they didn’t want to take away those I love but they had no choice, I don’t believe them.

Grief says death has to follow life orders and that everything happens for a reason.

What is the reason I’m meant to feel such pain, so often?

Grief doesn’t know the answer but instead rubs my back and tells me I’ll be ok.

Grief has become a friend to which I didn’t want a friendship with but one I’ve learned to find solace in.

Everything I love dies, but the grief remains.

The Ache for a Family

Sometimes when I am scrolling through Facebook or Instagram or Tik-Tok and I see videos of big happy families spending time together, laughing, playing games or whatever it might be I feel a sting of pain in my heart. Now typically, this is followed by me throwing my phone somewhere and diving into a book to try and avoid the depressive hole I would typically fall into but sometimes I just sit with the pain for a while, let it soak in and work on healing.

If you were to look at my family tree, you would think holy cow there are a lot of them, they must be very close and that is where you would be wrong. I remember when I was younger, once a year my dad’s side (The Miracle’s) would hold a family reunion and each year I would look around at these people wondering who the heck they were. These are people who share the same blood as me and at the time lived 10-20 minutes from me at all times yet I only ever saw or spoke to them at this annual event and that was 10x better than majority of my mom’s side of the family whom I didnt even know where they lived or who they were.

I would see these people at funerals, hug them, hear how much they loved my grandpa, dad or grandma but yet leave wondering if we all really loved each other as much as we claimed during these somber events, why were we so distant?

I cant help but get angry about it sometimes, angry that my parents didn’t have me around my cousins and extended family more when we were kids, mad at my grandparents for not doing the same. It almost felt like maybe my tiny part of the family wasn’t good enough to be with everyone else, maybe we- or I was the black sheep. I remember growing up feeling so lonely because I didn’t have anyone to hang out with while I had cousins who had 5+ siblings. I was always so jealous of that picture of a family because I didn’t have it. I had a brother I got to see sometimes but outside of that it was just me. I questioned- and sometimes still do what I did wrong.

I am so thankful that when I was growing up, I got to spend majority of my time with my great-grandparents and my great-aunts and their children but they never lived close so it was only a couple times a year we would get to see each other and as we got older, those frequencies quickly lessened.

I have this part of my soul and heart that will always ache for a family, and not just friends who you call family or step siblings and parents who have chosen to accept me into their lives but real blood family. A mom, a dad, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins. A family who gets together for birthdays, holidays, game nights even. I yearn for someone to hug me and say I will always be here because we are family and while I am positive there are individuals who feel that way maybe, sometimes its just nice to hear.

I suppose what I am getting to with all of my rambling is that, if you are LUCKY enough to have a family that you are close to, please don’t take advantage of that. Hug them tighter, laugh at their horrible jokes and forgive their mistakes. Take a step back and realize how short life really is and that we are not promised tomorrow. Even if you don’t get to see your family every day or live further away, a simple text or Facebook message saying I’m thinking of you and hope you are okay can in all reality change someone’s day, week, month or even year.

We are all grasping at straws filled with hope and love. We have all experienced so many traumatic events and horrific events that we need to remind one another how important each other is and how much we mean to one another. And for the love of all things holy please remember the phone/computer works both ways. If someone is reaching out to you, there could be a chance they think you don’t care the way they do or are scared so reach out to them. If you are an adult… let me say this with my outdoor voice IT IS NOT THE CHILD’S JOB TO ENSURE THAT A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU IS MAINTAINED. If you are 20+ years older than someone, I fully expect you to be the adult in the situation and to ensure that child (regardless of their age) FEELS LOVED AND INCLUDED.

We ALL need to do better before there is no one left for us to express our love to.

Being the Voice of the Forgotten

I have always had a special place in heart for those who are unable to defend or communicate for themselves. Animals who have no voice, people born with disabilities, babies, even elderly people. I worked with individuals who had developmental disabilities for years, and everyday I got the absolute honor to get to know these people, these people who have the same hopes and dreams as you and I. All they wanted was to live a life in which they were allowed to find love, experience adventures and experience the same life events everyone of us have to deal with that prepares us for our future. Day after day I learned how to communicate in non-traditional ways so that these beautiful humans could express their hearts and soul to someone who would actually listen. But I also saw the amount of pain and anguish they all faced. The funny looks when they went grocery shopping, the annoyed family member who wants nothing to do with them simply because of their disability. They were heartbroken, alone and scared.

I found the years I got to work with these individuals to be hands-down the best experience of my life. They taught me so much, so much that you need to learn in order to be a good person, a good human. I took so much pride is helping them to experience things they’ve always wanted to experience, to learn life skills that may help them in some way one day, and to learn how to express themselves in their own way. But sometimes I think back on those individuals and I get a bit sad. There were even days when leaving work (which were sometimes 24 or 48 hour shifts because there was no one else to do it), I would sit in my car and just cry. Cry for the life they didn’t get to experience because of their disability, cry for the loneliness they feel when they lay in bed at night wishing their mom and dad loved them like they love their “normal” sister or brother. For a moment, I would put myself directly into their shoes to experience what it would be like if I didn’t have the choice of when I eat dinner or where I eat dinner. To not have the choice of what to wear or what I do in my free time. I think of all the things WE all take for advantage everyday and I think of the people who don’t get that choice because their entire day is spent in an institution or group home where every second is accounted for, and damn it, it makes me mad.

I would give up all of the earthly possessions I have, if it meant that these beautiful, amazing humans would get to for at least a while experience the life they deserve.

We live in a world where these people are so strongly and openly discriminated against that it is the norm. Using the term “retarded” as a joke to your friends, mocking the way they talk or move their hands, none of it is okay. Ever.

They are people to and they deserve the same respect and dignity that each one of you reading this believe you deserve and if you think anything less, I truly hope you have a terrible day.

I will spend my life advocating for those who cant, I will spend my life feeding the squirrels and birds in my back yard, and saving baby mice found out in the cold. I will speak up for those who don’t know how to defend themselves, and damn it, I will make the world see their worth. Or at least I will die trying.

If you have a family member or know of someone who is developmentally challenged or maybe is older and now alone in a nursing home, take 20 minutes out of your day (I know you have the time) send them a card, stop by, make a call. I truly don’t think any of you understand the importance of those small acts. Because to them it was 20 minutes of your day, to them… it was the highlight of their week, if not month.

Do better.

Love more.

Being sensitive- insult or compliment?

All my life I have been labeled:

“The sensitive friend”

“The sensitive daughter”

“The sensitive sister”

No matter how old I get, no matter how many new people I meet its always the same. The funny looks when the heartbreak is written across my face after I accidently run over a squirrel (still not over that one), or the obvious face of disgust and judgment.

I used to think being sensitive was my worst characteristic and often was told I need to “toughen up” or “grow thicker skin”, but I ask you, why? Why do I need to do those things? Why is it such a crime to live my life feeling everything, the good, bad and in between? Why is it such a funny thought to think that when I watch a simple cartoon like The Lion King, that I shouldn’t cry when Simba watches his father die? It was fucking sad. In that moment, my empathy rang true and I swear I could feel everything that small cartoon lion cub was feeling; the pure heartache, the devastation and the fear of the future. I’m near tearing up just thinking about it.

I often find myself avoiding the news, because if I’m honest, I simply cant handle it. I typically end up crying in my bed for hours on end after watching the news because I refuse to believe this world is full of terrible, nasty and deplorable human beings. I refuse to believe that being a kind, gentle soul is a minority, whereas if you are a cold-hearted asshole who gives zero fucks about anything and anyone, you part of the majority, but whenever I watch the news I am reminded that I, in-fact am part of that small group of people who want to make people happy and who actually care. I watch the news and see people who have lost their homes due to natural disaster or whose family member was murdered in cold blood and I can feel it, everything they feel. Why is that? What do I do with that? I often feel like a sponge in a room full of hurt, depressed and lonely people. I feel as though I am absorbing all of their pain in hopes that for a moment they will feel the peace they deserve.

Its true that these things have caused me to become what one would call a home-body or introvert. Its safe here, I don’t have to dedicate all of my energy into trying to be someone I’m not. When I am at home, I am free to be the sensitive, kind soul I really am. When I am at home, I don’t have everyone asking me “what’s wrong?” or “why do you look so unhappy?” or my absolute favorite “what’s wrong with you today”. I just want to scream at those people and say nothings wrong… with me.. what’s wrong with you because the pain you see on my face is pain I absorbed from your energy. I just don’t have the strength to always hide behind a smile and at home, I don’t have to hide.

I know that there are other people like me, and if any of you reading this feel the way I feel, I want you to know that you’re not alone and never stop being sensitive. It is a superpower if you ask me. To be able to feel with your whole heart in a society where that is frowned upon, makes you brave, and courageous. I beg of you to never stop being sensitive. Don’t let the assholes who tell you to grow thicker skin win, they are just miserable within their own lives and are determined to take everyone down with them. Find the friends who speak to you with kind words, who celebrate your wins, and cry with you on your losses. Do not allow anyone to cover abuse with jokes or insults.

Remember- being sensitive is the ultimate compliment because its a forgotten, rare characteristic to have in 2022.

Lets catch up shall we?

Man it has been a while hasn’t it? I believe the last time I sat down and wrote a blog was shortly after my father passed away in 2017. Life got…. complicated after that and my hobbies had to be put on hold for a while.

Fast forward to today, May 2022 I am a college graduate who works from home and gets to hang out with her dog all day, I have an amazing relationship and friend group and even some family relationships are improving.

I left Morrow County about a year after my dad died. I left Morrow county and all the relationships it held. I knew I needed to start over. I knew that I needed to actually figure out who the hell I wanted to be and I knew that was never going to happen there. I half lived out of my car for a while, but eventually decided to move to Columbus with my step brother while I worked full time at a local Nursing Agency. I traveled back and forth from Columbus to Dayton often as I was dating someone from Dayton so needless to stay I still half lived in my car because I was always in it, but I was okay. For the first time in my entire life I had the freedom to find out who I was.

June 2021, I graduated from Mount Vernon Nazarene University with my Bachelors or Business Administration degree and became the first person in my family to be a college graduate. At that time, I knew it was time for my next step, the next chapter of my story. I moved to Dayton with my boyfriend and started looking for a new job. I was terrified, I knew I was successful in my current job, what if I wasn’t so successful in my new job and I didn’t do well. What if after living with me my boyfriends realizes how weird I actually am? But I had to do it. I knew that if I ever wanted to reach my goals I had to jump off the side of the cliff and go for it regardless of my fear of falling.

For the last year, I have lived my best life, I found a job and company that I absolutely adore, I can work in my pjs without putting on makeup, I went on adventures with my boyfriend, I met my bestfriend through my new job and adventured all the way to the ocean with someone I had only known for 6 months and had the weekend of my life. I overcame fears, faced trials and came out victorious, and most recently have found my horse community and am starting to plant roots, find MY place in the community and find the passion I have been missing. I am more than okay, I am happy, safe, growing and loved.

When my dad died in 2017, I knew that was the bottom. I sat on that floor and Bottom met Rock. Every time I drove somewhere I thought of what would happen if I just drove my car off the bridge. I remember being so angry at the everyone around me, and at the world that no amount of hitting stuff, breaking stuff, crying, screaming, nothing helped. The pain was so strong. I guess deep down I knew I was never going to heal in the same environment which made me sick.

I have grown so much in the past 5 years that I could probably write a book about it, I have seen things, and experienced things that have taught me that I am on the right track. I no longer believe the lie that you need to accept the people that are making jokes about you, talking down to you or being “hard” on you just because you want them to love you. I have learned that the right people, whether that be family or friends can love you softly. They can love you in the way that you need to be loved. They dont force you to be something you will never be and they dont use laughter as a cover for abuse.

My home is soft, it is quiet, peaceful, and safe. We do not yell in our home, we communicate about what is really bothering us and then we make changes to ourselves when needed. When you come from a home of people yelling to make their points and being afraid to ever open your mouth for the fear you may be grounded, yelled at, or hit, you spend your life trying to just keep the peace, trying to make everyone around you happy so that they will love you. But the right people will love you no matter what, no matter what mood you are in, what hobbies you like, what your weaknesses are or what your fears are. They will love you for those things because they make you uniquely you.

Now that we are all caught up, I guess I just want to remind you that it’s okay if the life you’re living right now isnt what you want for yourself or where you want to end up. All you have to do is take that step, jump off the damn cliff because that one choice will change your life like it changed mine.

Xoxo

Accepting my diagnosis

About 3 months ago, I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder. This on top of my already diagnosed anxiety, depression and PTSD.

When the doctor told me I had bipolar 1, all I could do was cry. It wasn’t like he told me I had cancer or that I only had weeks to live but instead he told me that there was a reason I felt so uncontrollable. A reason why my brain seems to constantly run 99 miles per hour and why sometimes I couldn’t shut it down.

My doctor was very understanding and kind in the light of just giving me life changing news. He said that I had been handling it well aside from when I was manic and only sleeping 8 hours a week. The doctor gave me information on just what bipolar 1 is and talked about medication to try and control it. When I left his office, I felt scared.. scared that I would always feel this way. Out of control, and sad.

A lot has happened in my life in the last couple of years. Some good, some bad, some tragic and life changing. I find myself in a manic episode more often than not and with that comes the thoughts of hopelessness, the loneliness even when I’m in a sea of people. The tears which I can’t figure out why they’re there and the overload of texts to people I love asking why they’re mad at me which in turn makes me think they’re annoyed because I asked.

Having these diagnoses does not mean I’m unlovable or that my life is over. It just means that some days, I can take on the world while other days breathing is the strongest thing I can do.

Did you know almost 6 million people have been diagnosed with bipolar and only God knows how many people have not been diagnosed but suffer from the silent demon. There are 6 million people who have the same racing thoughts, night sweats, manic episodes as I do.

I don’t write these words for sympathy but for empathy and to tell you to be aware of those around you. I look up greatly to those around me who do not struggle with mental illness, those who wake up with a smile on their face everyday and live their best life. But some of us, those days don’t come often. Some of us can hide it, fake a smile… seem like the happiest person in the world yet feeling more lonely than a man stranded on a island by himself. Be easy on your friends if they come to you asking if you’re mad or if they cancel plans, act different. Don’t be so quick to assume why they’re doing what they’re doing but instead have empathy. Give them reassurance, the promise of your love. Do it 500 times a day if you need to.

It takes 10 seconds to send a text message, so instead of being annoyed they asked you again if you’re mad.. tell them you’re not and you love them. Ease their mind even if for a moment.

We are all fighting demons and battles no one can see. We are all running from something and trying to find ourselves in this mess of a world.

Be kind

Be patient

Be empathetic

Mental illness is real, it’s scary and it’s lonely.

A letter to the girl (or guy) with their heart on their sleeve.

If you were to think about the characteristics that my dad and I share there are a few major characteristics that come to mind. Besides the fact our baby pictures side by side are impossible to tell apart and I look exactly like him, we both share the quality of being stubborn. Anyone who knew my dad knew that once his mind was made up there was no changing it, we both also love fishing and wrestling. My dad taught me how to defend myself and how to take the fish off. The biggest quality we share is the quality of wearing our hearts on our sleeves and using our whole heart in everything we do.

Some call that sensitive, weak, or even dumb. Some say I just fall in love to easy and that’s why I’m always getting hurt and while you’re not wrong, I do wear my heart on my sleeve which causes me to be extra sensitive and raises the chances of me getting hurt I don’t think that’s a bad thing about me. Wearing my heart on my sleeve means that I give my all to every person who I care about, it means I will drop everything I have going in so I can help. It also means you can do me wrong 20 times and I’m still gonna be there when you need me.

This quality has gotten me in trouble a lot in life, caused me to be used just when it’s beneficial to other people. When they’re lonely or sad but then when they feel better I’m no longer needed. While yes that is one of the most painful things you can experience, I’m not mad at them. I was there for a reason, to help them through whatever hard time they were experiencing and looking back I’m thankful I could he that for them.

I guess what I’m saying is life is scary, it changes in a second and you never know anyone’s true intentions. Sometimes I wish I could he heartless and cold; turn off my emotions but then I think if I did that, I lose the whole essence of who I am. Yes I overthink situations, fixate on the one bad thing that was said. Yes I jump to conclusions and expect to be hurt everytime someone even breathes wrong. Yes I’m sensitive and can tune in to other people’s emotions and feel what they feel. But you know what else I can do? I can over love. If I care about you, like you or love you you have a part of me forever. I over sympathize, never thinking someone is wrong for how the feel or what they think.

There are plenty of pros and cons to who I am as a person and to who my dad was as a person but the older I get the more thankful I am that I got those qualities from him. The more thankful I am that when I’m 90 I can tell my grandchildren what heartbreak feels like but what true unconditional love feels like as well.

So to the girls (and guys) who feel like they have to be sorry for wearing their heart on their sleeves or over loving and under protecting themselves stop. Stop beating yourself up, embrace the ride. Enjoy the good times and let the tears flow during the bad because no matter how terrible the storm is and how much damage it does to the house, when the bones are good which ours are.. the house won’t fall.

Over-love

But never feel sorry for that.

Signed,

The girl with the heart sliding down her sleeve.

I won’t apologize

I kind of grew up backwards. I was a grown adult by the time I was 10. Cooking, cleaning, making sure everyone was taken care of. I didn’t do it by choice, I had to. I had to adapt to survive in the environment I was given. I grew up thinking that’s what life would be like.. go to work, come home make dinner clean etc and do it the next day. So when I got in a serious relationship at 16 I thought, this is it. This is what I’m suppose to do. I’m suppose to settle down now because hell it’ll probably never happen again.. and have babies and live happily ever after.. right?

Fucking wrong.

For those of you that have been following along with my blogs and my story, you know that after 5.5 years I decided to walk away from everything I knew. And at first I was terrified. The thought actually terrified me for over a year prior to actually getting the balls to do it. I didn’t know what I would do. Who would I hang out with, how would I make friends, where would I go?

In the past 4 months I have made more progress as a human being than I even knew possible. My anxiety has decreased by at least 55%, I am talking to people I normally would of been afraid to talk to, I’m going to the gym on the regular, I’m eating healthy, I’m going to concerts and events and ya’ll I’m loving life. Don’t get me wrong there are still nights I cry myself to sleep wondering if I’ll be alone forever but I have come to learn that, welll… that’s part of being human.

I won’t apologize for how I chose to find myself. I won’t apologize for the fact that people don’t support how I am living. It blows peoples minds the me.. a 23 year college student is acting like… well a 23 year college student.

Most of my friends and family have only seen my reserved, shy, stable, anxiety ridden side so the fact that she’s gone and this new me is here scares people.

I know I’m gonna lose people on my journey to self discovery and THATS OKAY.. but don’t you EVER tell me that I am ruining my life by trying to find myself. Don’t you EVER try to make me feel guilty for having self confidence and for meeting new people and putting myself out there because the girl I was a year ago would be hiding in the corner somewhere.

I am growing.

I am changing.

I am becoming me.

So get onboard and ride with me or exit left and have a nice day.

11:11 make a wish

Do you ever close your eyes and a movie plays in your head.. I’m not talking Planet of the Apes or anything but a movie of your life, and it’s on a certain scene. Maybe it’s a love scene. You’re running into the arms of the one person you can’t stop thinking about but right before they close their arms around you they disappear.. you’re left standing alone in the dark.

You open your eyes and remind yourself that none of its real.. it’s just a thought. Your mind is playing tricks on you.

Maybe you wake up from a terrible nightmare. Maybe you’re like me.. you keep having the same reoccurring one. One where your dad is alive.. he’s fishing at his favorite spot, you can see him from across the lake. He looks happy, content. Your heart fills with joy and your stomach with butterflies as you think this is it. I finally get to see him again and talk to him. So you take off running as fast as your long, extremely out of shape legs will let you go.. but when you finally reach the spot where he sat there’s nothing but a fishing pole left with no bait.

You wake up in the middle of the night, sweat dripping down the crease of your back and tears Falling out the corner of your eyes. You scream and ask God why.. why is he torturing you. Why is putting pictures and videos in your head of people that aren’t here anymore. Whether they’re dead or they’ve just walked out of your life..

Why keep reminding me of what my heart Longs for?

……

I have a theory.

Our hearts.. they make wishes. They want certain things, certain people and they don’t quite understand why. All they know is that they reminded them of home when they were with them and now that they’re gone they’re sitting and waiting.. like a toddler waiting for their father to get home from work. I believe that our heart is like a toddler. Full of life and trust.. and hope. Our hearts are innocent.. and even though over and over and over we beat and abuse and torture them.. they still believe. They see the good, the possibilities.

So how do I teach my heart? Teach my heart that those movies playing in our head.. in our heart. They’re not real. My dad isn’t coming back, that boy isn’t going to love me the way I deserve. Sometimes I feel as if I’m a third party, trying to console my heart.. trying to make it feel better if only for a second.

They say time heals all wounds, but what heals time? What heals the memory that has been burned so deep into my brain that every song, every tv show, every sound has a memory attached?

Death.

Heartbreak.

It’s inevitable. We can’t stop it. We know it’s gonna happen, but that doesn’t change the fact that our poor little heart is never ready.

I guess today I’m sad. Today I’m sad for my heart. It’s been through a lot in its 23 years of beating. It’s taken a lot of beatings and has broken more times than I can count.. but it’s still trucking.. and it still has faith.. it may be a small amount of faith but even faith the size of a mustard seed can one day become a garden.

2019; the year of self

Every year its the same thing..

“New year, new me”

We set goals and expectations for ourselves that typically we find ourselves failing by day 3. We don’t do it on purpose, we just get sucked back into the reality of work and running late and sometimes it’s just easier to grab mcdonalds and skip the gym.

I am one of the biggest offenders of this, every year I say the same things and the results remain the same but this year I have different kinds of goals. While yes I want to get healthier and fitter, I am not making that my new years resolution because I want to change my life style and that takes time.

Instead, this year I am just hoping for a happier year. A year with less funerals and more weddings. A year with babies being born, dogs being adopted, people getting  out of debt and families reconnecting. The past two years have been tough, and by tough I mean tougher  than a steak cooked by a middle age woman who thinks blood is gross. They haven’t been just tough for me, they’ve been tough for all of us. I see the pain we have all been experiencing and I wish I could take it away.

We all deserve a year of happiness, healthiness, and hope. We deserve a year of achieving goals and experiencing things we never thought we could. We deserve a year of self discovery and self love. I am fully aware there are going to be days where we struggle with this idea. The days where we look in the mirror and feel like we are starring at a trash can.

I am not telling you to not set fitness goals or finanical goals, you should! But what I am telling you is that you should set more than skin deep goals, you should set goals that ignite the yet small spark within your soul and it should be your only focus to make that spark so bright that when you walk in a room you shift the whole frequency and light of the room.

Take the first six months of this year.. from now until June to focus on no one but yourself. However you want to do that, just love yourself so hard that when other people try to love you they don’t amount to your standards. Learn to be alone, do your makeup everyday and your hair. Take a bubble bath and read that book. Block assholes and take your shot with the  hot guys.

Whatever or however you decided to live your 2019, live it in such a way that regardless of the outcome you can be proud of your attempt and your dedication. Thats what I am gonna do. I am gonna be so damn proud of myself that I do not need anyone else to do it for me.

Lets kick 2019’s ass.